Ask Dr. Mike - Tofurky and Paisley Lederhosen

We haven't heard from our old friend Dr. Mike in quite a while. For new readers, Dr. Mike is an advice columnist whose main qualification for dispensing life-changing gems of wisdom is his Ph.D. in Melted Crayon Sculpture from the University of Tim Online ($29.95, two for $41.50).

Here is what we found in this week's mail bag:

Dear Dr. Mike,

My wife's cooking is a lot more enthusiastic than it is edible. In fact, after word of her "Liver-Tofurky Casserole Surprise" reached the Pentagon, she was hired as a consultant for the Army's Chemical Warfare Division.

Now she has invited my entire side of the family over to our house for a home-cooked dinner. My question is, could I be held responsible? I mean, isn't luring someone, especially a relative, into a known hazardous situation prosecutable in this state?

Signed,

Maybe I Should Cop A Plea

Dear Maybe,

I'm no lawyer, but as far as I am concerned anything involving Tofurky should be at least a class-one felony. Go for the plea.

Dear Dr. Mike,

Why I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

How dare you take my husband's side in criticizing my tofu-rrific cuisine. I'm a great cook, as all five of my late husbands would probably have testified.

I'll have you know that we had the dinner party my husband wrote you about, and his cousin Phil is expected to regain consciousness and partial use of his left hand, while the twins will stand a good chance of recovering at least some of their sense of smell. Eventually. And the Uncle Floyd says that Aunt Sadie probably would not have been around much longer anyway.

You slime-slinging scuzz monkey,

The Wife Of The First Guy

PS - I'm your Biggest Fan!

Dear WOTFG,

On second thought, I'll change my advice to your husband. He would clearly be a lot safer on prison food. Please send my best wishes to Phil and the twins, and my condolences to Uncle Floyd.

Dear Dr. Mike,

Why I, also, ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

You are probably going to think I'm crazy, but I feel like the clerks in clothing stores never treat me with proper respect. Whenever I go into Walmart and ask them to show me a new lime green kilt, they try to talk me into something I don't want - like pants. The same thing happens when I ask for top hats, two-tone wingtips or paisley lederhosen.

How do I get these people to stop passing judgment on me?

You no good bush whacking worm-herder.

Also a big fan,

Wandering Through the Walmart Wilderness

Dear Wandering,

All I can tell you is that if the folks at Walmart think you have crappy taste, you should probably go ahead and re-examine your entire life strategy and value system. In fact, if you consider Walmart a clothing store, you are pretty much off track to start with.

Good luck in your kilt quest.

Dear Dr. Mike,

Lately I find myself strangely drawn to the idea of ripping your arm off and beating you with the bloody stump. Can explain this?

Ready To Rip

Dear Rip,

No. Thanks for writing.

Well, that's it for this week. We invite all our readers to share their most personal problems with us, and get your life-changing advice from a guy who writes jokes for a living. If you would like some help with a problem of your own, or if you just have a question, send an email to drmike@learnedsofar.com.

Copyright © 2010, Michael Ball

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